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    Saturday, July 5, 2008

    Thank God It's Not Really "Urgent"...Not That I'd Know...

    Our local UC center is generally good, the dr. we saw there when Jackson stuck his finger in the olive can was great, we liked him fine.

    The ole' guy (read: came out of retirement to practice in lieu of boredom) who saw me for my ongoing gastrointestinal issues...liked him not so much.

    Dr: So, you have diarrhea, nausea and right side pain? Show me where?

    (I show him where.)
    Me: Right here, (as he's digging around my gut) and I am party concerned b/c I have a retrocecal appendix, so my symptomology would be different than most if it was that. (normal appendix pain would be lower and slightly more central than mine) That, with the five days of diarrhea has me a little concerned.

    Dr: Oh, OK. have the shits! (chuckles cleverly to himself)

    Me: Uh, yeah. You don't even know.

    The conversation is too strange, self-contradicting and dull to repeat any further. By the time we were done, he had told me to be on only clear liquids, then told me to eat and quit starving myself, and that I was causing my diarrhea after the third day of it. Also said he couldn't diagnose appendicitis there but that I didn't have it.

    He said the abdominal pain was cramping. I said I didn't really feel like I'd had cramping, but I asked if he was saying that because I'd HAD intestinal cramping (which I didn't recall having) that THAT's what had made my belly so sore? He paused and then said "That could be causing that..." What could be causing what, you senile old fart?

    He also gave me prescriptions for 1) the diarrhea, which I told him had already stopped, and 2) cramping, which I never had but that he insists is causing my abdominal pain. He then said if I still hurt tomorrow I need to go to an ER and have an MRI done to see if it's my appendix, but he doesn't think it is because I "don't have a fever and I can jump up and down". Oh, and because I "look too good to be sick". Thank god I was on my way out the door when he threw THAT little gem out there.

    OH! The best part? The "miracle cure" suggestion he gave me. He wrote an entire pad detailing for me how to "make" what will "cure" my diarrhea (that I don't have any more): pureed cooked carrots. But you have to coin them before you cook them, see, that's the secret. Then puree them and add the liquid back in and drink it like soup. Yeah. Works like a charm "for the kids with the poops". Alrighty, Doc Methuselah, I'll give that a try.

    So now I REALLY hurt after he probed around in my belly forever, and I have two prescriptions that my now-closed pharmacy doesn't need to fill for me because I have neither symptom that they treat.

    Gotta love modern medicine. Although I'm fairly certain the most modern thing about this guy was his pen.


    Deb said...

    Not that I have a medical degree, but I feel as qualified to diagnose you as that guy, and I'm going to agree on the appendicitis. One of the really cool (you're going to think so, anyway) symptoms is constipation, not diarrhea. Doesn't constipation sound nice right now?

    What doctor diagnoses you as negative for an emergency condition and then suggests you get tested for it the next day? How uncertain is he in his job? UGH.

    You poor thing. You need me to come there and kick some doctor ass?

    McBung said...

    I never had a fever at all when they decided to throw me in the hospital for 5 days before they took my appendix out...and I did have a raging infection with no temp what so ever. With all the rampant e-coli and salmonella showing up in all these foods, I can't believe they don't take this more seriously. Especially if you told them your whole family got sick, that can't be a coincidence.

    Too bad the medical profession isn't more like Wal-Mart. "Yes, I'm not satisfied with my purchase of medical care today, I'd like to return it for a refund. I have my receipt." On the upside, at least they didn't tell you you have irritable bowl syndrome. It seems like everyone I know goes in for symptoms like yours and that's just what they lump it all in to.

    So here's the diagnosis from ol' Dr. McBung... Your Sh*t's not right!