Our local UC center is generally good, the dr. we saw there when Jackson stuck his finger in the olive can was great, we liked him fine.
The ole' guy (read: came out of retirement to practice in lieu of boredom) who saw me for my ongoing gastrointestinal issues...liked him not so much.
Dr: So, you have diarrhea, nausea and right side pain? Show me where?
(I show him where.)
Me: Right here, (as he's digging around my gut) and I am party concerned b/c I have a retrocecal appendix, so my symptomology would be different than most if it was that. (normal appendix pain would be lower and slightly more central than mine) That, with the five days of diarrhea has me a little concerned.
Dr: Oh, OK. So...you have the shits! (chuckles cleverly to himself)
Me: Uh, yeah. You don't even know.
The conversation is too strange, self-contradicting and dull to repeat any further. By the time we were done, he had told me to be on only clear liquids, then told me to eat and quit starving myself, and that I was causing my diarrhea after the third day of it. Also said he couldn't diagnose appendicitis there but that I didn't have it.
He said the abdominal pain was cramping. I said I didn't really feel like I'd had cramping, but I asked if he was saying that because I'd HAD intestinal cramping (which I didn't recall having) that THAT's what had made my belly so sore? He paused and then said "That could be causing that..." What could be causing what, you senile old fart?
He also gave me prescriptions for 1) the diarrhea, which I told him had already stopped, and 2) cramping, which I never had but that he insists is causing my abdominal pain. He then said if I still hurt tomorrow I need to go to an ER and have an MRI done to see if it's my appendix, but he doesn't think it is because I "don't have a fever and I can jump up and down". Oh, and because I "look too good to be sick". Thank god I was on my way out the door when he threw THAT little gem out there.
OH! The best part? The "miracle cure" suggestion he gave me. He wrote an entire pad detailing for me how to "make" what will "cure" my diarrhea (that I don't have any more): pureed cooked carrots. But you have to coin them before you cook them, see, that's the secret. Then puree them and add the liquid back in and drink it like soup. Yeah. Works like a charm "for the kids with the poops". Alrighty, Doc Methuselah, I'll give that a try.
So now I REALLY hurt after he probed around in my belly forever, and I have two prescriptions that my now-closed pharmacy doesn't need to fill for me because I have neither symptom that they treat.
Gotta love modern medicine. Although I'm fairly certain the most modern thing about this guy was his pen.