I am waiting.
I am waiting for Your grace to be sufficient for me.
I am waiting for Your peace that passes all understanding.
I am waiting for a sign from You that she is with You; that "she and her baby are walking on those streets of gold", as Pastor Jim told us on Saturday.
I am waiting for the strength to "handle this", as so many have told me in my life that You won't give me more than I can handle.
I am waiting for the sadness in my eyes, in my husband's eyes, in all of our eyes to clear, and for there to be way to see the joy we are supposed to be able to find as believers. I don't have it in me to survive a Job-like siege of tragedy. Trust me on that.
I am waiting for the clarity of mind to see the purpose in this; to see how You will take this and turn it into something glorious and wonderful and full of meaning. Because SURELY You didn't watch while my best friend died in her husband's arms, in their bed, and let it happen for nothing. Surely you have a plan. Surely the cost for losing her is going to bring some HUGE benefit to my life, to Nik's life, to Mike and Lori's life. It can't be just a big cosmic "whoops". I refuse to believe You would let all of these hearts be shattered and not have a way to help us find solace, comfort and a way to go on that helps us understand why she was ripped out of her own life and stopped from walking the path she was so happy to be on. The scriptures tell us that You take what Satan intended for evil and use it for good. I am counting on that.
So I am waiting. And it's just about killing me. So I'm ready when you are - bring on the healing. Please.