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    Saturday, April 4, 2009

    Super Fantastic Ultra-Dorktastic

    So I'm not even sure if "dork" is the right word.

    Maybe "goober" or "eccentric" would work better. And I concede that "funny" is every bit as accurate and I'm not saying this as a bad thing, or a reflection of love lost. I'm just sayin'.

    I'm kind of a big dork.

    {Aaaand a HUSH falls over the crowd.}

    It's true. I am more self-aware than ever, here in the middle of my life, and I'm more able to see myself from outside myself all the time. And what I see, frankly, in many ways, is a dork. And not because I love video games, or the Muppets, or because I shop at Walmart, or because I wouldn't know a Coach bag from a Faded Glory bag, or because I think heels are the stupidest shoe ever invented. And I'm not saying that I'm not OK just the way I am. I'm just sayin'.

    Ok, here's the deal. I know I have my funny moments, and I'm often the life of the party, causing laughter with my witty words. Right? Right. But sometimes, as I get older, I'm starting to get that people, while they laugh with me, are also laughing...maybe not "at", but certainly "towards" me. I have an aunt who I suspect I am very much like - she is always cracking jokes, making funny voices and faces, and everyone rolls when this aunt is around. But I also know we also sit around and say "She's really something else!" when she's NOT around. I suspect I've been lumped in the "somthing else" category, and rightfully so.

    This is not an entirely new revelation - I've said for years that I'm not for everybody, and I get that. And I'm really OK with it, too. If everyone liked everyone and we all stood around adoring each other our whole lives, that'd just be weird. AND I get that there are people who really do love me just as I am, and find my humor and my conversation style perfectly lovely and endearing. I also get that my dorkness does not make me undeserving of love or friendship. That's not what this is about.

    This is about me knowing I'm a big dork. That when I make funny statements, and use silly voices and outlandish facial expressions to make people laugh, it's conveying a certain style of dorkness. Not mad at me, don't dislike me because of it - I'm just coming to a real place of understanding this one thing about me. Just realizing the deep-inside wish to be a really, really cool lady who is super-chic and classy, who always says the right thing, and always gives off that sophisticated air, is probably just not ever going to be a reality in my life. I can totally fake it for short periods of time, but in the end, the Dork always re-emerges (bringing with her - yes, laughter and fun - but also some pretty dorktastic vibes along for the ride).

    So what's our lesson here, people? I guess maybe it's that part of this journey is realizing WHO and WHAT we really are, and being able to embrace it, even if it's not what we wanted to be when we grew up. So fine, I'm a dork. Hey, man, I can say it - dork. Dorkdeedork dork. And I'm no less lovable because I of it (I don't think I am - at least not to the people who matter, anyway), and I have friends and family who love and respect me, despite my dorkish ways.

    And most importantly, I hope that if my kids grow up to be dorks that they will have this revelation sooner than 35 years into their journeys. They'll be much happier once they figure it out. I think I am.

    2 comments:

    Deb said...

    From one dork to another, I love you, in part, because of your dorkiness. I'm glad you're beginning to appreciate it. It's an admirable trait.

    Catutes said...

    From one self-recognized dork to another, I say revel in your dorkness! (or would that be dorkiness?)

    and I so completely agree with you on the heels thing.

    Nice to stumble on your blog.