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    Thursday, April 16, 2009

    Candy Is Not So Dandy

    So it's been established that I'm no nazi about my kids not having candy. I'm not opposed to them sampling the sweeter things in life, and I'm no health food freak who insists that sugar shall never touch my kids' lips. Let me just say THAT to begin. M'kay? 'Kay. So no "loosen up, it's only once a year and you're being a hard-ass" comments, alright?

    But seriously, folks. NINE. NINE Easter baskets. They got NINE Easter baskets from family on Easter Sunday. This does NOT include the Easter baskets they placed carefully on the kitchen table Saturday night that the Easter Bunny kindly filled with some of their (and Mommy and Daddy's) favorite treats. So actually, it's ELEVEN.

    Oh, but we can't forget the egg hunts. HuntS, that's what I said. Plural. As in...THREE. So add to those baskets, dozens and dozens of plastic eggs full of crap. Because SURELY the baskets didn't have ENOUGH sugar in them, right? Two dozen eggs a piece with more candy will fix that!

    Now, remember that I have TWO children. If you distribute the baskets evenly between the members of the household (and none of us needs that, really) we could EACH have close to THREE ENTIRE EASTER BASKETS per person! Yes, I'm shouting - get over it. If you had all this crap in your house you'd be shouting, too.

    Why? Or more accurately, how did they get nine Easter baskets, excluding the two they are SUPPOSED to get? Well, one grandma, and 2 of her sisters, each brought one for each kid. That's six. BIL and his wife brought each kid a bag of candy, as well (OK, not a traditional "basket" per se, but in the same spirit...don't get hung up in the semantics, here, people...). That's eight. And my dad had one basket for the entire family (hey, THERE'S a novel concept some OTHER people could try), so that makes nine. Nine baskets, with more kinds and flavors of candy than any fourteen childreen need, let alone just two.

    But really, you may ask, how much candy could that be, really?


    You don't even KNOW.

    But you will before we're done here. Stay with me on this.

    Ask me how dedicated I am to you, dear reader. Ask me, go ahead.

    Here's how dedicated I am - I not only photographed the sugar-filled booty, I also sorted and counted it. I know, right? Totally anal, but only done for your understanding of the real, true level of confectionery excess that darkens my kitchen counter.

    Let's see...which first? The pictures, or the list? Hmm. Decisions, decisions. Let's start with the list, I think. I should note that the list includes items that may have been eaten by photographing time (again, don't get hung up on the little stuff, just trust me). OK, on with the list:

    Laffy Taffy - 15
    Crabby Patties - 4
    Pop Rocks - 6
    Rings/Necklaces - 4
    Sweet Tarts/Sprees - 40
    Bubble Gum - 36
    Mini-Eggs - 76
    Kisses - 66
    Milk Creme Eggs - 10
    Mini Twix - 8
    Mini Candy Bars (Snickers, Milky Way, etc.) - 30
    Mini Nerds - 4
    Candy Bunnies - 7
    Bubble Gum Eggs (12 pc pack) - 2
    Paas Jellies (6 pc packs) - 8
    Mini Peanut Butter Cups - 8
    Peanut Butter Eggs - 6
    Mini M&M (Packs) - 24
    Milky Way Bunnies - 6
    Pez (2 pack) - 2
    Peeps (12 pc pack) - 2
    Hard candies (packs) - 12
    Carrot O' Robin Eggs - 1
    Suckers - 2
    Hollow big candies - 8
    Fruit/applesauce - 8 (MIL gets credit for these)
    Marshmallow eggs - 4
    Also...assorted M&M's, jelly beans, candy corns, stickers, erasers, hackey sacs, football, bouncy balls, devotional CDs, and two outfits (for which Aunt P gets credit)

    Yes, I'm serious. Yes, they REALLY got that much crap. Yes, it's too much. Yes, it's excessive and unnecessary and out of control.

    What? It doesn't sound that bad? You don't think it's THAT much candy? Oh. Alright. Let me SHOW you just how much candy it is, while you keep in mind that it's intended for a 2-year old and a 5-year old who get to pick ONE or TWO pieces of candy per day when it's in the house.


    I know, right?


    Not impressive enough? Doesn't give you the full feel of the volume we're talking about? Fine. Let's try an aerial view (I had to hold the camera at CEILING LEVEL to get it all in the frame, people...):


    Still need more? Ok - close-ups, just for you:




    As my niece would have once said, it's "totally redick". There is NO REASON for this. I mean, other than the life-long contest going on to see who can overindulge the little ones more - there is THAT reason. (I didn't say it wasn't a completely insane, ridiculous reason, did I?)

    I've already sent a gallon-sized Ziploc bag with Greg to take to work for the office folks to devour. They may get another one. Or I may donate most of it, although I'm not sure to where - nobody really needs this crap.

    Maybe you're a big fan of the candy. Maybe you're thinking "Why not just let the kids have it a little bit at a time?"

    Oh, they'll get some, "a little bit at a time". But do you know how LONG it would take them to eat this much candy? Let's say I let them pick two candies a day. That's four a day, OK? Roughly, if we were to go that route, and NOT counting jelly beans, M&Ms, etc., they would have to have candy twice a day for 108 (that's ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT DAYS) IN A ROW to get rid of it. Remember that those 12 packs of gum? That's 24 servings of gum, PLUS the 36 individual pieces of gum - just the damn gum could take more than two weeks!

    So there is NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH I am listening to candy begging for the next 108 days (that's three and a half MONTHS, folks). It's just not happening. We'll be half way to Halloween!

    Sigh. So what's the lesson? The big picture, if you will? Here it is, in a candy-flavored nutshell: stop buying other people's kids candy. Seriously. The Easter Bunny does his job, you don't need to help. You know what you do, when you do that? You disappoint the kids, because they see all this crap, and then I have to be the bad guy and not let them eat it all. So do us all a favor - either get your own kids, remember how YOU'D have felt if someone sent all this crap home with you when YOU had kids, buy candy for yourself, or (and it's really what I recommend) simply decide that it's OK to just enjoy the holidays WITHOUT spending money on crap that nobody needs (and already has) anyway.

    1 comment:

    mary n said...

    I'm with you girl. That's why I told my parents absolutely no candy. I bought all the little toys for my son's basket. He got money from all grandparents. What little bit of candy there was got left at their house including the candy his godparents got him.