Big Hot Business for Saturday

Morning, my lovelies. Just thought I'd jot down the big goings-on around here this fine Saturday morning in FMFO Land.

Food TV In The Morning: Hold the Foreplay
The kids wanted to watch Food Network this morning instead of cartoons. Fine by me! Anne Burrell was on, and she was cooking whole fish, complete with the process of removing the spine. Kinda cool, kinda gross, but they'll certainly never see that in MY kitchen, so we'll call that a valuable life experience for the kids.

What is NOT a valuable life experience is the show that came on next, "Down Home With The Neelys", which I will not even take the time to link for you - that's how much I don't like them. Seriously.

Why, you ask? What could be offensive about a couple cooking together on TV? I'll tell you.

The first (and only) time Samantha and I sat down to watch them, the show hadn't been on very long when the husband did something, I don't remember what, that caused the wife to exclaim, with a suggestive look on her face and a suggestive tone in her voice: "I told you he was good with his hands!"

Well, isn't THAT nice?

So nice, especially when Samantha immediately demanded to know exactly what that lady meant by that. Great - would they have had me say "Oh, well Mrs. Neely was alluding to the fact that apparently Mr. Neely is quite the skilled lover, with the ability to create great sensations of sexual arousal for Mrs. Neely when they are in the sack instead of in the kitchen, which has not-a-freaking-thing to do with their stupid TV show. Isn't that nice of her to share?"

I did NOT offer that explanation. We changed the subject and the channel, never to return to that particular show. My kids love FN, and so do I - but THOSE folks will never get another minute of our time. FN is one of the few networks with shows "for me" that are generally also OK to watch with my kids - that's a rare treat, and one I don't plan to give up, but those people are NOT on the line-up. A tip to the old "Neelys": If your COOKING show needs a warning label, you should have a different kind of show, you asshats.

TGPMo2008...Beginning to Start to Commence is Pending
TGPMo2008 begins today. Really. No, really, I'm starting today. As soon as I pick up the clutter in my office, get the vacuum out and run that in here, tidy up the rest of the house, I am locking myself down here and digging in.

I think.

I may photograph it so you can fully appreciate the level of paper clogging up my life around here. Which I'll have to find the camera to do. I suspect it got buried the other night during The Great Sewing Machine Manual Search, during which time I also I found the papers from the sale of the house. Not this house, that we bought three years ago...the house we SOLD in Columbus in 2004. And some credit union papers from the credit union at my old job...from 2004. It was then I realized it's worse than I thought.

While those older papers do have some semblance of order in their boxes (I'm not even sure why I was checking them for a manual I've only had a year or so), they are still not filed. And many of them are now irrelevant and can be shredded, I'm sure. So they are a part of the process. The process which holds FOUR years of filing for me, instead of TWO. The process which may consume me and swallow me up whole. I should run a rope up the steps that's tied around my waist so Greg can hoist me out if I get stuck in a pile of papers. Picture Wesley using that vine, pulling himself and Buttercup out of the sinking sand pits in Princess Bride. Yeah, like that. I'll keep you posted. If I can.

Trick or Treat Early OR How Much Cuteness Can You Fit In One Building
Oakview Mall held their annual "Monster Bash" last night, with indoor TOTing at most of their stores. What a fun time we had this year! Last year on the other hand...we made the mistake of following the pack. We arrived early, sure that the candy would run out by 10 minutes past the hour. We waited in line for at least 30 minutes, acting as though the mall opened at 6pm. The line went from the food court doors to the east end of the mall, past JC Penney's (for you non-Omahans, that's a long freaking line).

And we waited.

And then we waited in the line when it finally started moving, and wound our way through the mall, painfully slowly, wish there were some other way. What did we know, we were Monster Bash virgins!

As we got inside, though, we discovered that the smart people had gone in through other entrances and were free to TOT where ever they pleased, with no negative repercussions of any kind. The only line was one that anal moms like me created in our heads, beyond the inital line going in the front door. And those relaxed-looking people who showed UP at quarter-after - THOSE brilliant folks, clearly experienced mall TOTers, not only DIDN'T have to wait in the line, but they also got the same treats we stood in line for, and there were plenty to go around! So we planned then, and executed last night, our new plan. Show up at 6:15, walk right in, TOT where you please. SO much better.

Anyway, the cuteness was overflowing. Cute little twins in soft, fluffy cupcake costumes. Princesses everywhere, of every shape and color. Fairies and butterflies, ladybugs and Dorothys, and even a cute purple alien girl. Boys in TMNT shells with red headbands, and boys sporting Buzz Lightyear wings, and boys dressed like puppies and dinosaurs and frogs. Babies swaddled in banana, bee, and bunny costumes. And superheros everywhere - including our two particular superheros, Wonder Woman and Superman (the blond/blonde versions). Samantha and Jackson loved the costume-watching more than they loved getting the candy. We satiated their need for candy in less than 45 minutes, sat down to a less-than-stellar food court dinner, and then came home. Good times.

It Doesn't Have to Have Monsters To Be A Nightmare
I dreamt I was knocked up last night. I also dreamt I was happy about it. I also dreamt I was in some freaky weird clinic where you had to go into somebody's bedroom in a trailer to POAS (pee on a stick). While in the dream I was fine with ALL of this, and Greg was ecstatic at the news, I am quite certain it would not be the case should it actually come to pass. See here for reasons why.

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So, that's what's rolling around in my head this morning. Oh, and somebody gave out those stupid fucking strawberry candies at the mall last night again. Prompting me to be sure that I'll be doing my second annual Halloween Candy Review once we get through the actual event next weekend. I can only imagine what some of those Columbusites will come up with to stick in my kids' bags. (Hey, I said "some", not "all", Columbusites, keep your pants on!)

Hope your weekend is fun and exciting, and your Halloween week is spooky and scary and full of bats, witches and good candy.