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    Wednesday, February 13, 2008

    Two Days On The Treadmill...

    ...has gained me exactly jack-shit so far. I am not impressed.

    Spare me the "you're building muscle", "it takes time", and the "stick with it, you'll see results eventually" business. I am still a fatty patty, my BF% has not gone down one scrap, my weight hasn't either, my gut is still hugemongous, along with everything else on me. And I am too damned impatient to wait around for 9 weeks to see if walking is going to make a difference for me when I'm forcing myself to go on there every day as it is, hoping for a tiny, teeny, little bit of a result. Especially since I am eating VERY well, just as I should be, and drinking nothing but water and green tea. So then when I weigh in, I am SUPER pissed the next morning when I look at the scale.

    OK, I know I have what is probably a superbly unhealthy attitude about my weight, my food, and my exercise. My friend Cristina told me "...that fat doesn't belong to you, get rid of it. If you are not happy with it, just don't keep it..." She's right, I think, and I am looking for takers - who'd like some? Where can I drop it off? Can I set you up for auto-delivery? I do deliver. Let me know. There's gotta be someone underweight who'd just LOVE to gain 20 as fast as I can, doesn't there?

    Wait - maybe that's it.

    To the batcave, Robin. I've got it.

    I think I need to market my lifestyle as a plan FOR those who claim they "cannot gain weight". I, myself, have NO idea how that could be possible short of a medical-slash-thyroid issue, but as I understand it, it happens. If I'm not absolutely 100% vigilant about what I eat all of every day, and not actively pursuing weight loss (and failing, I might add), I am gaining. Period.

    It's all falling into place, I am getting a plan in my head.

    My eating habits, my lifestyle, my activity level, my lack of vitamin-taking, my loathing of exercise - all charted, documented, and then packaged for the express purpose of helping people GAIN weight, which I can do with NO effort at all, utilizing only my brilliant fat-bringing lifestyle...uh-huh, yes, I'm feeling this now...

    I could offer a supplement pack, and the supplements could be FROOT LOOPS...exercise is a MAXIMUM of 12 minutes a day, and generally for optimum gaining, NONE is recommended. A web addiction is helpful and can enhance the results of this plan. You may attempt a diet plan while on this plan, but must believe in your heart it will fail while never speaking it out loud, until you give up, and then you must state that you knew it wouldn't work. This is crucial.

    How can I not have seen this before? I'm like the waitress on the Cox commercial, dumping water all over her customers as she has a revelation about cable phone service. Except for my revelation is about my helping-skinny-people-who-want-to-get-fat-plan. I have never felt more helpful in my life.

    It's brilliant, no?

    OK, fine. I'll go get on the stupid treadmill. Not that it'll do any good. Picture me frumping away from the keyboard. Fat people frump effortlessly, so it's easy to picture, go ahead. More later, after I waste a few minutes making my legs hurt.

    Damn, I want a Whopper.

    3 comments:

    Crazy Momma said...

    hahaha..I think I need to read your blog every night before I go to be..or before I go exercise..hahaha..

    Just think of the treadmill as someone who pissed you off that day..works well for me..Let me know how it works for you..

    McBung said...

    Ok, so I was watching Discovery Health Channel last night and they said one of the best things you can do if walking is your exercise plan is to get a pedometer and wear it all day long. You should shoot for 10,000 steps per day. That way you always have something you can look at all day long and see that you are actually working toward a goal with every step....not just the treadmill steps but every step you take. I might try it. Heck, I've tried everything else, why not a pedometer!

    Deb said...

    Brilliant. Can I do your marketing plan?