Eccchhh...

"Caillou" just started. Can I contain my newly-found good mood despite this fingernail down the blackboard of my day? Maybe I'll see if I can sell her on "Signing Time" instead....cross your fingers and wish me luck! Otherwise, it's THIS for half an hour...



Bald little freak. Maybe I'll just assert my Mom-status and shut off the TV! Gee, there's a thought, huh?

OK, I'm editing, because for some reason I feel the need to justify my growing dislike for this annoying little four-year old.

#1: His parents are ENTIRELY too patient and level-headed, and frankly, I don't need the bar set that high in Samantha's head (why? see yesterday's BLOG...I'm fairly sure Caillou's Mommy never blogs about such a shitty day).

#2: He throws tantrums that Samantha then tries to mimic, and SHE does not need the inspiration.

#3: The sound of his voice makes the hair on my neck stand up.

#4: The narrator always tells what Caillou is thinking, feeling, wanting, not wanting, needing, not needing, etc., etc., ad infinitum...I'd like to smack her, too.

#5: They have a cat for a pet, and I know it's just a matter of time before the kids want a cat too, and that just ain't happenin', folks. Even if Daddy was NOT severely allergic, the only "cat" who will EVER be in my house again, is, well, THIS one.

I'm sure I can come up with other reasons, and when I do, you'll be the first to know.

So Far, Tuesday's Better...

...but it's early, you know! Ha ha...let's hope today brings better things and better attitudes for me and those who have to put up with my grumpy ass.

The kids are eating breakfast while I type and eat my granola bar and Diet Cherry Pepsi. I am setting up my day in my head, most of which consists of laundry, going out to water my newly-transplanted hostas that I got from the IL's, more laundry, trying to think of what to get Greg for his birthday next week (ideas welcome), cleaning my kitchen, waiting for my grocery delivery to show up (http://www.milk2you.com/ for those in my area, it's great for those things you forgot or ran out of before your next shopping trip), and planning my meals for the rest of the week (which I should have done Sunday had it not sucked so bad).

There seems to be some type of funk going around - everyone on Jackson's birth board seems to be fighting off some crud for them and/or their kids, and it's the same here. Samantha had a high fever, a trip to Dr Jane's and a case of viral tonsillitis last week, and it seems to have morphed into some type of cold for me, and I have consequently been blowing my nose non-stop since yesterday. Nice. Cuz you know, it's been at least a month since I had a cold, so I was due, right? Sucky deal. I just hope the boys both get to skip this one. I'm tired of feeling crappy or watching someone else feel crappy! And now that I think of it, Mom said my sister is sick, too. What is this summer flu crap all over the place???

OK, enough whining about colds and flus. I am desperately trying to recharge my spirit/brain/attitude, and so I'd better get busy finding a way to do that. Maybe a nap? No, only been up an hour, a nap seems silly, and good luck getting the kids to go along...maybe re-think the meditation/prayer thing, although I'd need a pretty good kids' movie to get my kids enraptured enough to get to go meditate for any length of time. That, and I can never shut my brain off long enough to get to any sort of relaxed state. I've tried. Yoga? My older sister swears by it...but then again, my older sister is 5'9" and 135 pounds, so twisting herself into a pretzel is probably no sweat for her skinny butt. For me it's like trying to do origami....with bed pillows.

Oh, well....maybe I'll just continue with laundry therapy. That, and getting to look into the eyes of the two most beautiful kids ever conceived all day long. (Hey, everyone who's ever met my kids can't be wrong!) Yep, I'd say today's a better day. Hope yours is too!

Momma Blew It Today

As my good friend Aimee says..."Ugh. You don't even know..." That's alright, stick around and I'll tell ya, and then you'll know. Oh, caution...profanity may follow. Some days if I don't swear I think I'll blow up. This was one of them.

Well, Sunday was no better than Saturday, and in some ways it was worse, but I don't even want to talk about it. Suffice it to say that there's a reason we moved two hours away from our hometown, and I don't need to go back any time soon. I'm sure we will, but I don't need to.

Actually I DO need to, because the chicken we bought in bulk, that was the whole reason we WENT, got left behind in Mom's freezer, dammit...

The aforementioned crappy weekend apparently left me feeling drained and more pissy than when I started. I was NOT a great mom today, and a bitchy wife at best, I'd guess. Greg went to bed without saying a word to me, and I can't say that I blame him. I'd like to give myself a boot in the tambourine for my crappy-ass attitude today.

I was short with Samantha all day, and even Jackson (as much as you can be "short" with someone who can't talk to you), and I didn't get a damn thing accomplished around here. I didn't even make supper, we had Sonic (no, not McDonald's, thank you very much). I did two whole loads of laundry...sort of...they are still in the washer and dryer, so that's not really "done", is it? I didn't feel like playing, or doing match flashcards, or playing peeks, coloring, or watching Caillou...OK so I NEVER feel like watching Caillou, but today I wanted to throw the freaking TV out the window when I heard "I'm just a kid who's four, each day I grow some more, I like exploring, I'm Caaaaaillou..."

I hated how I felt about myself today, and I don't say that often. I was super-pissy and whiny and NOT any fun to be around. I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror when Samantha was brushing teeth, and was NOT amused at the grimace I know all-too-well. I could hardly even make my eyebrows NOT be down low in a grumpy grimacing position.

I kept stopping myself and hugging the kids throughout the day, when I felt like screaming. Mostly because it wasn't their fault - Momma was just being an asshole today. When I tucked Samantha in, I tried to explain to her that even when Momma has bad days, I still love her SO much, she's still my best girl, and I still think she's smart, funny, pretty, nice, etc.... She seemed to believe me and almost seemed a little bit relieved that I said that to her. What did I read somewhere about how we talk to our kids?...the gist is that to avoid having a negative impact on their self-esteem, you must provide TWELVE positive statements for every single negative one. That's a tall order, especially when you're as crabby as I was today. I do NOT think I came out ahead, or even "even", today.

I always swore I wouldn't take my bad days out on my kids. I remember how that felt, and how unimportant and how unvalued I felt when I knew Mom was having a bad day, and I KNEW I was a pain in her ass, an irritation to her, and I don't EVER want my kids to feel that way. Don't misunderstand me, I couldn't have lived my Mom's life for five minutes, and if I'd have been married to my Dad, he'd have been a dead man years ago, so what is a "bad day" to me is NOTHING compared to the hell that Mom lived through. But I didn't know what she was living through at the time, and I still felt like I was in the way all the time. So just because my "bad day" is nothing hugely significant or deep-seeded does NOT mean my kids get that and won't feel unloved, in that moment anyway.

Shitty. I think my feng-shui is jacked up or something, seriously. I bought "Feng-Shui for Dummies"...I started reading it, but I just can't make myself read all the little particulars about the Octagon that you're supposed to put in your yard to see if your front door is in the right place, or some shit. It's sitting here, staring at me. And the laundry is behind me, bitching at me again. I wonder what Feng-shui says about laundry piles shaped like ski-slopes?

I need to go meditate or pray or have a drink or something. Maybe all three, but not necessarily in that order. Sometimes I really wish I was "a drinker". Ok, no I don't. That would be at the top of my list of things that would NOT help anything. Ask any of the countless addicts in my family and they'll tell you...

Boy, this BLOG is a downer this week, huh? Sorry about that shit. I'll try to do better soon!

Sucky Saturday

Irritated. Annoyed. Irked. Aggravated. Overstimulated. Whatever.

Some days, y'ever just wake up extra pissy? Nothing really wrong, no particular burr under my saddle, just feeling super grumpy. SUUUUUPER grumpy. Not that I wake up like Cinderella in the morning as it is, and the truest thing Greg ever said about me is that "she idles at pissy" (thus my use of the word "extra" above), but I just have the desire to hide in my closet all day today. The kids woke up fine, Samantha's feeling better today (she's been sick with tonsillitis), we had a great visit with our friend Jenny last night, Greg and I had some time together after the kids were in bed, and I slept OK...so why do I feel like someone's standing behind me flicking me on the back of my head, over and over? Grrr.

Let's see, what's on the list of what could be bugging me? Hmmmm....

Well, I don't have CRAP planned for Jackson's birthday yet, and it's coming. We're getting invites and info on other people's parties, and I have NO clue what we're doing for his.

Laundry. It's sitting behind me in my laundry room, threatening to leak out into my office, as per usual. Never done. Never even CLOSE to done. Always bitching at me from the other room...I need to move my office further away from the laundry room so I can't hear it. Ok, ok, so I could actually DO it, but whatever...let's don't cloud the issue with facts, alright?

Money. Why is there never enough? And why do we buy things we don't particularly need? And why do we shop for things we'll never use - no matter WHAT we try to convince ourselves of? ... and why is my son crawling around with his sister's underwear on his head? Hang on....

OK, back. What else. My dogs. They stink and they make noise and they have made our oh-so-sub-standard-to-Jenny-replacement HATE us because she gets barked at all the time. And probably what irritates me the MOST about my dogs is, honestly ... that I feel the way I do about them. The "me" from before my kids whispers in the back of my head about how much I adored and fawned over my dogs before the kids were born. They were my pride and joy. I bawled like a baby when Jake was in the hospital, and when Greta had the stomach flu we took shifts sleeping on the linoleum floor in the kitchen with her all night long. We took their pictures for Christmas, and bought them Halloween costumes, and took them for car rides, and bought them treats. Now they get to go exactly NOWHERE because they shed all over my van, they stink, and they are such spazzes that I can't STAND taking them anywhere. And it's not fair to them. They love us all so much, even the kids, and they started their lives with us SO pampered, and now they get treated like, well, dogs. Makes me sad that I can't feel the way I felt about them back then. I still love them, and I'll be crushed in my heart when we lose them, but it's different now. It makes Greg sad, too, because his heart (which is infinitely bigger than mine, I'm convinced...how else could he put up with me?) is still so full of love for them. He still rolls on the floor with them, lets them sneak into bed with us, runs with them, and sees the infinite cuteness that we both saw when they came to be ours. So I guess I probably mostly feel guilty because I used them as kid substitutes and now that I have the real thing, they have been knocked down the totem pole. Yeah, I'd say that's it.

Oh, and what has happened to eBay? Seriously, it's hard to get anything for less than full retail on there anymore, and I'm sick of it!

And, WHO, pray tell, told my son he could stand up and cruise and think about letting go and learn about balance? I am SURE there was no memo discussing that, and yet, there he is (now sans underwear hat) standing himself up at the chest freezer, which is MUCH taller than he, and grabbing the top.

So I guess it could be any number of things that's bugging me. So never mind, I've got LOTS of things to be pissy about, and I seem to have identified them all.

Gotta run. Samantha's upstairs finishing up her business in the bathroom and soon I'll hear "MOM - I need you to wipe me!" (although I'm not wanted in there beforehand because she "needs privacy"), and now Jackson is standing here grunting like mad, turning red, while he works on something else I'll get to wipe up here in just a minute. Add that to the marble-sized dried up dog turd that Samantha pointed out to me by the back door this morning, and I guess it's not so much a Sucky Saturday as it is a, well, a shitty one...ha ha...oh, great. Jackson just finished his business and then promptly plopped down on his butt. Can you say "squish"? Thank you, son.

Oy. Hope your Saturday is more fun than mine!

The Zoo 2007

We LOVE the zoo. Omaha has a really, really great place in the Henry Dorly Zoo. We think so, so much that we have family membership, and we make good use of it. It's nice to be able to have somewhere fun to go that's "Free" for us to go at any time, and when people come into town it's our favorite place to go (or to send them to on their own, if say, the CWS is in town, haha...hey I DID get a refund for that class, by the way, which is part of why I'm back to singing their praises)...

So we've gone several times this year, both with Barbie and Rowan for play dates, and for family days out with Daddy on the weekends. The kids both love the Shark Tunnel in the Aquarium, and all the fish, for that matter. Samantha and Daddy love to watch the penguins. Samantha is also obsessed with the alligator in "Kingdoms of the Night" who is missing a foot. Don't ask why, no one knows. Jackson loves the long walk between each area because he is a stroller-lovin' kid, and he thinks wind is like candy, constantly licking at it as we stroll along. Priceless!

Here are some great zoo pics from our most recent outing...



























































It's nice to live in a city where we can just pick up and go do fun things like that. Columbus was such a barren, uneventful, fun-less crap hole, that I don't think I'll EVER take for granted living in a city that has such great summer days to offer in just a few minutes' driving time.