I'm Tired

Of what, you ask?  Oh, well, let me break it down for you. 


I am tired of, in no particular order:*

Waiting around to have the latest uncomfortable/invasive/gross test done.

Test results that are all "normal" despite having lived the most abnormal summer of my 37 years.

My side hurting.

My stomach hurting.

Anxiety leaving, showing no signs of coming back, until the very day I say I think I've left it behind; and then having the dirty bitch come back again.

Irregular cycles.

My hair falling out like it has someplace better to be.

Nobody on my "medical team" giving a shit that my hair is falling out at age 37. 

Making my husband worry about me, and money, and what's coming next.

Being the reason that my kids' prayers include things like "Please, God, help Mommy to feel better RIGHT NOW."

Opening hospital bills.

Not having money to pay said hospital bills.

Sleeping on a heating pad.

Being told the preschool tuition assistance ("scholarship") that we don't qualify for is something I should be GLAD for, since I should also "be glad that my husband even HAS a job".

My best friend being dead.  That could stop any fucking time now.

Being tired.

Being upset.

Being in limbo.

Wondering, before I ever open my eyes in the morning, how I'm going to feel once I get out of bed. 

Thinking about, wondering about, talking about, dreaming about, and worrying about if we're doing the right tests, if I should find new/different doctors, if I should ignore and disregard the pain, how we're going to pay for anything, and what's going on inside my body at any given moment. 

We are going on four months that this has been going on, and I'm not sure how much more I can take.  I want my life back.

* I realize this is improper use of a colon.  I don't care.  I'm tired of punctuation, too.