I have so many, for you and for me!
I wish for you all your wildest dreams come true, all your hearts' desires come to pass, and your metabolism to go sky high and your blood sugar be ever-stable as you sit to enjoy your holiday spread.
I wish for you peace, joy, happiness, time shared with family and friends, and the perfect piece of pie.
I wish for you a sweater you love, a tool you need, a book you want, and only good gifts that make you smile.
I wish for dry roads and clear skies as you travel to be with your loved ones, and not-too-cold days as you make your way.
I wish for you a strong sense of gratitude at the bounty in your life, and a keen awareness of the want and lacking that some people live with every day, even at Christmas.
I wish for you a meaningful time of worship, whatever that means to you, that refreshes and renews your beliefs, and makes clear "the reason for the season".
OK, so I wish all that stuff for me, too, or more accurately I guess I hope someone else wishes those things for me, KWIM? But, in addition, I also wish for some other things:
~A laundry person, who would also love to pack for me and two kids when we travel
~A personal assistant or three
~My son to miraculously wean himself
~40 pounds to fall off of me overnight so I can look fabulous for Christmas...I'd settle for 20...
~Our debt to magically disappear so my husband can stop stressing over money every day
~My dogs to stop shedding, just for a little while, so I can catch up on the dog hair problem - right now it's like fighting an avalanche with a teaspoon and a baggie...
~One good family picture
~One year with no colds for the kids and us
Is that too much to ask? I don't think so, but I'm not holding my breath. I do, as I've said, have a TON to be thankful for, so I mostly wish for me a constant and abiding ability to remember how lucky I am, how spoiled I have been for most of my life...and how most of the granting of my wishes lies in my own hands. Merry Christmas, folks. Thanks for reading, and I hope you'll keep coming back to read more. I have a feeling that 2008 is gonna be one helluva ride, and it won't be the same without you!
God Bless Us, Every One! Merry Christmas!
Friday, December 21, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
POST 100!!!! Oh, and I suck...
...at weight control. So "Happy 100 posts" to FMFO, and "Happy Back to Having Lost NOTHING" because people keep sending sweet stuff home to my house that I can't seem to leave alone. And I think I've mentioned that I'm not like most people. It doesn't take me months and months to gain five pounds. It takes days. If I have a "bad week", where I indulge occasionally in a sweet or two, I gain SEVERAL pounds, even if I eat right "most" of the time. This week, I am already up three pounds. Three. I've a had a couple of cookies, a piece of cake, and two mini-donuts. Three sweets, three pounds. Seems logical, right? And it wouldn't be so bad if those weren't the last three pounds I had lost, that I have now gained back. Nice, huh. I oughta be ashamed of myself...oh wait, I am.
What's so infuriating about it is that I KNOW how to eat right, I enjoy eating right, but I am a sugar addict. So if I eat a little bit, I inevitably want more and inevitably eat more of it, until I am soon once again full-blown addicted and eating too much (read: eating any) of the wrong stuff. And since I have no metabolism to speak of, that's all it takes for me to pack on pounds, and quickly.
It's not the same for me as it is for "normal sized" people. If you're ten pounds overweight, adding three would still mean you only needed to lose 13. I can't even say out loud anymore how much I need to lose without my face getting red and me feeling embarassed. I never dreamed I'd be a fat girl. Never even imagined it was possible. And now it's not only possible, it's my reality. And it doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. I should just get back on the SB plan right away, but I know what that will do for Christmas. Or what Christmas, more accurately, will do to the plan. Not that it's not possible to eat well, and healthily (is that a word?) on SB at holidays, but it's not fun, that's for sure. Mom's fudge, and strawberry bars, and MIL's texas sheetcake will all call to me.
I didn't used to be such a damn pansy about food. When I decided to lose weight, that was it. NO whining, no letting myself "feel" deprived, I just did it. But then again, that was before my metabolism went permanently through the floor, my will power apparently went to shit, and my ass got bigger than I ever imagined possible. I hate having saddle bags. I mean, I really, really hate it. They're like having ass extentions.
It's almost more than I can bear to be fat like this. I promise I would be grateful to have problems like "I need to tone" or "I can't drop this last 12 pounds" or "my size 8s feel tight". I've already conceded to myself that I will NEVER look good naked again - two kids worth of stretch marks made sure of that - but I'd settle for looking good in clothes that were purchased in the "normal" section of any given store. I don't need perfection, but I have gotten so far from where I used to be that I don't know how I'll EVER get back.
I am SICK OF THIS SHIT. SICK OF IT. And I know you're sick of hearing it. So I'll stop. Thanks for reading. A happier post to come, I'm sure, soon. I wish you all better luck than me in fighting the holiday bulge!
What's so infuriating about it is that I KNOW how to eat right, I enjoy eating right, but I am a sugar addict. So if I eat a little bit, I inevitably want more and inevitably eat more of it, until I am soon once again full-blown addicted and eating too much (read: eating any) of the wrong stuff. And since I have no metabolism to speak of, that's all it takes for me to pack on pounds, and quickly.
It's not the same for me as it is for "normal sized" people. If you're ten pounds overweight, adding three would still mean you only needed to lose 13. I can't even say out loud anymore how much I need to lose without my face getting red and me feeling embarassed. I never dreamed I'd be a fat girl. Never even imagined it was possible. And now it's not only possible, it's my reality. And it doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. I should just get back on the SB plan right away, but I know what that will do for Christmas. Or what Christmas, more accurately, will do to the plan. Not that it's not possible to eat well, and healthily (is that a word?) on SB at holidays, but it's not fun, that's for sure. Mom's fudge, and strawberry bars, and MIL's texas sheetcake will all call to me.
I didn't used to be such a damn pansy about food. When I decided to lose weight, that was it. NO whining, no letting myself "feel" deprived, I just did it. But then again, that was before my metabolism went permanently through the floor, my will power apparently went to shit, and my ass got bigger than I ever imagined possible. I hate having saddle bags. I mean, I really, really hate it. They're like having ass extentions.
It's almost more than I can bear to be fat like this. I promise I would be grateful to have problems like "I need to tone" or "I can't drop this last 12 pounds" or "my size 8s feel tight". I've already conceded to myself that I will NEVER look good naked again - two kids worth of stretch marks made sure of that - but I'd settle for looking good in clothes that were purchased in the "normal" section of any given store. I don't need perfection, but I have gotten so far from where I used to be that I don't know how I'll EVER get back.
I am SICK OF THIS SHIT. SICK OF IT. And I know you're sick of hearing it. So I'll stop. Thanks for reading. A happier post to come, I'm sure, soon. I wish you all better luck than me in fighting the holiday bulge!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Off We Go...
...to Christmas shop. Yes, it snowed buckets last night. Yes, the roads will probably suck. Yes, we're all wearing our snow boots and buckling up and taking our time.
And yes, we're nuts to go out shopping the Saturday before the Saturday before Christmas. But we're going anyway. I think I'll need to dig out that emergency bag of Lindt White Truffles to get me through the day...I'll have to hide them from Samantha, but I think I can manage...
First we have to dig ourselves out, and since the boys are napping and Samantha is looking at my Barbie book, a rare, generally-forbidden activity, I'd better take advantage and go scoop!
And yes, we're nuts to go out shopping the Saturday before the Saturday before Christmas. But we're going anyway. I think I'll need to dig out that emergency bag of Lindt White Truffles to get me through the day...I'll have to hide them from Samantha, but I think I can manage...
First we have to dig ourselves out, and since the boys are napping and Samantha is looking at my Barbie book, a rare, generally-forbidden activity, I'd better take advantage and go scoop!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Evening Out Shopping - Snowflakes at Westroads
So I wanted to do some Christmas shopping last night, sans hubby and kids. No sweat, right?
Here is my retrospective checklist of said shopping trip:
Work on gift list of things to buy, including new tools Greg may get for Christmas.
Feed kids/hubby.
Iterate to children the need to be good for Daddy.
Share with Daddy my thoughts on flying solo with kids.
Look for phone/wallet/purse.
Pick up and put down the diaper bag...twice.
Kiss all three repeatedly and add...I love you...be good for Daddy...yes, I'll be back later...yes, I'm going Christmas shopping...NO, you can't come even if you promise not to look...
Walk out door, reveling in the aloneness to come.
Turn and say goodbye again; reiterate the need to be good for Daddy.
Get to the van in the driveway. Start the van.
Spend THIRTY MINUTES chipping ice off the windows/windshield.
Get back in van, attempt to dry off coat with napkins from console.
Curse about wet gloves and scarf.
Cross "tools" off of Greg's Christmas list. (He obviously does not need more tools. If he was lacking tools, maybe my van would be IN THE GARAGE instead of in the driveway covered with ice.)
Leave for shopping adventure a mere four hours after deciding to go.
Almost get stuck in the end of the driveway, where city plows have made a lovely snow pile.
Curse about city snow plow drivers.
Fight traffic to mall #1, find almost nothing I need.
Get back in van, pondering where to go; listen to Godspell soundtrack whilst fighting more traffic. Think of Erinn, Stephanie Burns, Doug Harmon and other fellow cast members from our version of the show a hundred years ago.
Pull up to Westroads Mall. Notice Stanley Steemer vans at both side entrances to Von Maur. Shudder.
Get out of my van. Walk to the front of Von Maur, look at the thousands of flowers/signs/bears placed at the doors; watch loved ones of Janet Jorgenson place a memorial and grieve.
Stand with others and choke on my tears, and hang my head in shame at every whiny negative thought about my petty, small problems.
There is no more checklist. At this point, I go into the mall. The food court has a huge Christmas tree in the center, full of snowflakes made by Omahans.
I walk down to the area in front of Von Maur (where less than two weeks ago I stood with my mom and kids getting pictures taken with Santa) and what I see takes my breath away. Tens of thousands of more of the same kind of snowflakes, hung on the walls, on ledges, doorways and spilling out onto the floors.
Why snowflakes?
Here's why (taken from local radio station Q98.5's website http://q985fm.com/pages/729303.php ):
Pat and JT, ...Listening to you this morning, I was moved to tell you about a dream I had on Wednesday night. Of course I spent most of the afternoon and evening watching the newreports about the incident. Those reports and the weather predictions of the snow were really the only two stories all night. So, I guess it is logical that they would have combined in my dreams that night but I was moved by what I dreamt and would love to see it become a reality.
I dreamt that everyone did go to Westroads to show their support. I saw thousands of people there. They were taping handmade paper snowflakes (remember, like you made in grade school?) up on the glass walls and the railings around the escalator atrium in Von Maur. I heard a voice say "These victims are like the snowflakes falling outside. They are unique and special individuals. Like us, and like all the other snowflakes, their lives were fragile. But, we WILL NOT let their memory melt away! Like the snow that blankets our town, let our love and support blanket their families, friends, Von Maur, Westroads, and our entire city."
Everywhere I looked there were paper snowflakes and I had tears in my eyes. The last thing I remember before waking up was dreaming that we (the city) presented the loved ones of the victims with beautiful snowflake ornaments to represent the support and love of the city and the memory of those they lost.I don't know why I feel compelled to share this with you but I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe you are the reason.......Tammy P.
And so "Operation Snowflake" was born.
There are many people coming and going to this spot as I stand there, using the tables and supplies provided to create a snowflake to add to the countlesss ones already there, or to sign the books for the victims' loved ones. Inside Von Maur, behind a black curtain and the snowflakes hung on the gates, floor cleaners hum and workers speak in low (and often not-so-low) voices. For some reason, the curtain is drawn back partly as we are standing there, and we can see those floor cleaners, going over the same spots over and over and over. The sight is burned into my memory and even now I tear up thinking about it.
Like many others, I was moved to take pictures to share what I experienced, but pictures fail to truly capture the moment of standing where people died, honoring them with the simplest but most beautiful of things. But these I took to share with you:
You can find more pictures of Operation Snowflake HERE.
It was a moving experience to go there, one week later, and stand with other people who were grieving in the same way, for the same reasons. It was surreal, and scary, and peaceful, and sad. I made a snowflake, placed it among the others, and moved on to make way for other people.
I will never forget last night.
Here is my retrospective checklist of said shopping trip:
Work on gift list of things to buy, including new tools Greg may get for Christmas.
Feed kids/hubby.
Iterate to children the need to be good for Daddy.
Share with Daddy my thoughts on flying solo with kids.
Look for phone/wallet/purse.
Pick up and put down the diaper bag...twice.
Kiss all three repeatedly and add...I love you...be good for Daddy...yes, I'll be back later...yes, I'm going Christmas shopping...NO, you can't come even if you promise not to look...
Walk out door, reveling in the aloneness to come.
Turn and say goodbye again; reiterate the need to be good for Daddy.
Get to the van in the driveway. Start the van.
Spend THIRTY MINUTES chipping ice off the windows/windshield.
Get back in van, attempt to dry off coat with napkins from console.
Curse about wet gloves and scarf.
Cross "tools" off of Greg's Christmas list. (He obviously does not need more tools. If he was lacking tools, maybe my van would be IN THE GARAGE instead of in the driveway covered with ice.)
Leave for shopping adventure a mere four hours after deciding to go.
Almost get stuck in the end of the driveway, where city plows have made a lovely snow pile.
Curse about city snow plow drivers.
Fight traffic to mall #1, find almost nothing I need.
Get back in van, pondering where to go; listen to Godspell soundtrack whilst fighting more traffic. Think of Erinn, Stephanie Burns, Doug Harmon and other fellow cast members from our version of the show a hundred years ago.
Pull up to Westroads Mall. Notice Stanley Steemer vans at both side entrances to Von Maur. Shudder.
Get out of my van. Walk to the front of Von Maur, look at the thousands of flowers/signs/bears placed at the doors; watch loved ones of Janet Jorgenson place a memorial and grieve.
Stand with others and choke on my tears, and hang my head in shame at every whiny negative thought about my petty, small problems.
There is no more checklist. At this point, I go into the mall. The food court has a huge Christmas tree in the center, full of snowflakes made by Omahans.
I walk down to the area in front of Von Maur (where less than two weeks ago I stood with my mom and kids getting pictures taken with Santa) and what I see takes my breath away. Tens of thousands of more of the same kind of snowflakes, hung on the walls, on ledges, doorways and spilling out onto the floors.
Why snowflakes?
Here's why (taken from local radio station Q98.5's website http://q985fm.com/pages/729303.php ):
Pat and JT, ...Listening to you this morning, I was moved to tell you about a dream I had on Wednesday night. Of course I spent most of the afternoon and evening watching the newreports about the incident. Those reports and the weather predictions of the snow were really the only two stories all night. So, I guess it is logical that they would have combined in my dreams that night but I was moved by what I dreamt and would love to see it become a reality.
I dreamt that everyone did go to Westroads to show their support. I saw thousands of people there. They were taping handmade paper snowflakes (remember, like you made in grade school?) up on the glass walls and the railings around the escalator atrium in Von Maur. I heard a voice say "These victims are like the snowflakes falling outside. They are unique and special individuals. Like us, and like all the other snowflakes, their lives were fragile. But, we WILL NOT let their memory melt away! Like the snow that blankets our town, let our love and support blanket their families, friends, Von Maur, Westroads, and our entire city."
Everywhere I looked there were paper snowflakes and I had tears in my eyes. The last thing I remember before waking up was dreaming that we (the city) presented the loved ones of the victims with beautiful snowflake ornaments to represent the support and love of the city and the memory of those they lost.I don't know why I feel compelled to share this with you but I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe you are the reason.......Tammy P.
And so "Operation Snowflake" was born.
There are many people coming and going to this spot as I stand there, using the tables and supplies provided to create a snowflake to add to the countlesss ones already there, or to sign the books for the victims' loved ones. Inside Von Maur, behind a black curtain and the snowflakes hung on the gates, floor cleaners hum and workers speak in low (and often not-so-low) voices. For some reason, the curtain is drawn back partly as we are standing there, and we can see those floor cleaners, going over the same spots over and over and over. The sight is burned into my memory and even now I tear up thinking about it.
Like many others, I was moved to take pictures to share what I experienced, but pictures fail to truly capture the moment of standing where people died, honoring them with the simplest but most beautiful of things. But these I took to share with you:
You can find more pictures of Operation Snowflake HERE.
It was a moving experience to go there, one week later, and stand with other people who were grieving in the same way, for the same reasons. It was surreal, and scary, and peaceful, and sad. I made a snowflake, placed it among the others, and moved on to make way for other people.
I will never forget last night.
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